I
had breakfast with a friend at a nearby Mexican restaurant the morning before
Clara came. He asked me how I was doing emotionally with everything, and I told
him I kind of felt like it was business-as-usual. I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t
excited, because I was, but we had gotten to the point, now almost a week past
Kimberly’s due date, where we felt beyond
ready. I felt like we were in this limbo in-between a chapter about to close
and the next and we were really ready
to turn the page.
That’s
a common question you get when your expecting parents, “Are you ready?” I haven’t known, and still don’t, where to file
that question. What does ready look like? I found it similar to when we were
engaged and got the same question. There just comes a point where for all the
books you read, counsel you’ve received, etc. you now just need to walk through
it.
Each
day after October 25th, Kimberly’s due date, I asked the Lord to
bring Clara into the world. Looking back, I felt such peace and power to be
able to ask God for something so beyond my control and to know that he heard
me. Some of it was because I wanted to see Clara, but also because I didn’t
want Kimberly to be in pain and discomfort anymore. This whole process, the
pregnancy, the labor, it has all allowed me to see what a beautiful, strong,
godly woman the Lord has entrusted me with. I’m honored to call her my wife.
After
breakfast Kimberly and I went to our scheduled midwife visit. They wanted to
check Clara’s vitals and heartbeat for about 20 minutes. It was important for
them to see her heart rate accelerate and then return to normal. They had
trouble doing that, and so asked me to talk to her.
Talking
to Clara while she was in Kimberly’s womb have been some of my most treasured
moments during the pregnancy. At different points throughout the day I would
walk over to Kimberly and while putting one hand on her stomach, start speaking
in an affectionate tone reserved only for her. The sweetest part was watching
her react by moving around.
Talking
to Clara, watching her on the sonograms, everything, had me truly delighting in
her. I cared so much for this little baby that I had never seen, nor had done
anything for me. I’ve been reminded now on the other side of it all, as she
sleeps in her swing, and I stand there watching and smiling at her, how much my
Heavenly Father does the same for me because of Jesus.
Everything
checked out and we left the birthing center and headed home. We got a call a
few hours later that after running some tests they found that Kimberly’s water
had broken. We were thrilled. This meant that they were going to induce
anywhere between 24-36 hours. For all our anticipation there was now a
guarantee of when we would see Clara’s face. It’s funny because this flipped a
switch for me. I’ve always liked a clean, organized house, but this set me
blazing through the house trying to prepare every little thing for her arrival.
Cleaning this, putting this away, sweeping.
Later
that night the contractions started accelerating fairly quickly. We had this
picture that we kept hearing all moms in labor get to where it’s too painful to
stand and talk on the phone. At first those contractions were far from that
picture, but then slowly but surely they got harder and harder. We decided it
was time to call Ashre, our birthing assistant.
She was fantastic. She calmly walked me
things we could do to help Kimberly continue deeper into the hard contractions.
Kimberly lied on the couch and Ashre would massage her lower back, where a lot
of the pain was coming, and I would play with her hair and kiss her forehead.
Ashre suggested putting on some soft music and I put on some Christmas albums
that I know she would love.
Kimberly
hit a tipping point after vomiting a few times, which was healthy and meant the
labor was moving along, that it was time to go. We loaded up the car and I
drove to the birthing center with Kimberly breathing deeply every few seconds
in the passenger seat. I was so tempted to drive fast, because that’s what they
do in the movies, but I knew we would be fine. Maybe next time…
We
got to the center around 11:20PM and they were shocked to see that Kimberly was
extremely far along in labor. She was at a 9. So they suggested getting her into
the hot tub to help with the contractions that at this point were now
excruciating.
The
tub had handles for Kimberly to rest her feet like pedals, and grips for each
hand on the side of the tub. Soon after, in the phase called transition, she
said repeatedly, “I can’t do it. I can’t
do it.” This was hard for me to hear because I knew that she could do it,
but I wanted to care for her well. Thankful to the Lord that phase didn’t last
long, and from our birthing classes we knew that.
The
transition cleared and the pushing started. I was on my knees by Kimberly’s
face, switching between holding her arm and hand for what felt like minutes,
but in reality was a couple hours. Kimberly was locked in and listening to the
coaching of the midwife, her assistant, me, and Ashre.
There
was a moment where I wanted to pray and I felt a hesitation because I didn’t
know if everyone in the room was a Christian. It probably was the Spirit that
was like “That’s ridiculous!” My approval of man almost got in the way
of me asking the Lord for strength for my sweethearts. I prayed at two separate
times that the Lord would fill her body with his Spirit and with all she needs.
Kimberly
pushed for what felt like forever and soon I began to see Clara’s black hair,
and I was like taken aback. It was happening, I thought. She’s coming. She’s
finally coming. For all Kimberly’s pushing the end seemed the longest. I knew
Kimberly was giving everything and more as she would rest her back in between
contractions on the back of the tub.
There
was this moment though that I’ll never forget. We kept encouraging Kimberly,
and I wanted her to know how proud of her we were. In this almost supernatural
moment, after pushing for who knows how long, Kimberly straightens her back and
pushes like nothing she had done up to that point. It must have been the Lord.
And
then in what seemed like a few seconds, Clara emerges and is put on Kimberly’s
chest. She lets out a cry to the world that she’s here, looks at Kimberly, and
rests back down. “She’s here, Sweetie!
She’s here!” I said. Kimberly and I look at each other like we had just
conquered a mountain together. For all the sleepless nights, discomfort,
birthing classes, Clara Joy Casanova was now here.
Anticipating
Clara’s arrival has stirred my affections all the more to meditate on how much
I anticipate the Lord’s return. I was reading Jesus’ last words to the
disciples before his crucifixion in John a couple days before Clara’s birth:
“When a woman is giving birth, she has
sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no
longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the
world. 22 So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again,
and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you” John
16:21-22
All
of this has brought about an incredible sense of responsibility and over the
days since her birth the reality of my own limitations. How desperately I need
the same Spirit that filled and empowered Kimberly to moment-by-moment fill me
to love the Lord, love Kimberly, and love Clara. I’m honored and humbled by
this calling.